


Hanji's an Asshole

by angrytitanboy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: <3, Cuties, Fluff, Fluffy, Funny, Kiss scene, M/M, PARTY TIME WOOO, Tooth Rotting Fluff, Yum, dis be cute, funny fluff, hanji being weird, hanjis a liar, hanjis an asshole, kiss, levi did not consent to this, levi x eren - Freeform, so cute, sugary fluff, wine drinking, yummy wine :D
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 04:48:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4421972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrytitanboy/pseuds/angrytitanboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ugh, let's see here.</p><p>What happens when Hanji throws a party at your house without your permission? And what if she thinks you're her husband? Oh, and four brats are your kids?</p><p>And what happens when NO ONE WANTS TO BE AT THAT PARTY BUT HANJI.</p><p>And also what happens when you accidentally fall for one of the brats?</p><p>You know, the angry one. What happens then?</p><p>Some goddamn fluff, that's what.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hanji's an Asshole

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, just a short fluffy-funny thing I thought of :3 hope you enjoy!

"Hanji Zoë, you have ten seconds to tell me why you're at my house at seven at night." I said with a firm sigh, glaring at her as she stood on my porch.

"Well, Levi, I'm SO glad you asked!" Hanji squealed, bouncing on her tiptoes with her hands behind her back. "Since we're SUCH a loving family-"

"We're not a family." I groaned. "I never consented to this."

"Too late!" Hanji beamed. "Anyway, I've invited our entire family over for a party! Isn't that just AWESOME?!" Hanji exclaimed, jumping ten feet in the air and throwing her hands up.

"So you're telling me that you invited yourself and those brats-"

"Don't you mean your kids-"

"NO, Hanji, I mean those BRATS. You invited people over to my house for some weird surprise party. AT MY HOUSE. WITHOUT MY PERMISSION." I gave her the fiercest glare I could give, but her moronic smile never wavered. She continued beaming and giggling as she answered.

"Pretty much!" 

"Yeah, get off my property." I said, closing the door.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Hanji jammed her fingers between the door and the frame, forcing it back open. "I brought you a present!"

"Whatever it is, I don't want it." I snapped. "Now go away-"

"It's a ring!" Hanji shoved a little silver band in my face. "Since we're married now, I thought you needed a ring!"

"Do I need to explain this to you again? I DID NOT CONSENT TO THIS." I groaned. "Honestly Hanji, you manage to get me drunk ONCE and then you proclaim us married? Quit kidding yourself."

"Aw, whatever!" Hanji still smiled widely, grinning a big toothy grin from ear to ear. "The others are right behind me, so you'd better let me in!"

Silence. I glared. Hanji smiled. I rolled my eyes. "FINE. But once the others get here you're explaining to them that-"

"Great!" Hanji bounced, pushing past me and bouncing along into my house.

 

And that's how I got here, head slammed on my kitchen table with four brats, one idiot, and one very confused commander sitting around me. Hanji, however, was very pleased with herself. 

"Now that we're all here, we can get this party started!" She squealed happily.

"Um, what exactly is going on here?" Erwin asked.

"Yeah, I was told it was the corporal's birthday." Mikasa raised her hand quietly. 

"My birthday's in fucking December." I muttered.

"Oh. My bad." Mikasa shrugged. I flipped her the bird. 

"Well, I was told that Hanji was gonna teach me how to read." Eren said. "Why are you all here?"

"Eren, if you want to read, just talk to me." Armin said. "And I thought we were having a drinking contest."

"Aren't you underage?" Erwin asked.

"Maaaaaybe." Armin grinned.

"I was told we were making brownies. With toxins." Annie said.

"So I suppose I should tell you all what kind of party we're having!" Hanji winked.

"Again, I had no idea anyone was here." Eren mentioned.

"Yeah, Hanji, I'd really like to know what the fuck you think you're doing." I grumbled.

"This is an icebreaker party!" Hanji said excitedly. "It's so we can get to know each other better as a family!"

"I am not related to that midget clean freak." Mikasa said. I flipped her off again.

"You have the same last name." Annie said.

"Coincidence." Mikasa declared.

"Hanji, I've known Armin and Mikasa all my life." Eren said. "Plus, I'm not related to anyone here by blood."

"Neither am I." Armin said.

"Or me."

"Or me."

"Or fuckin' me." I said.

"And why am I here?" Erwin asked. "I don't recall marrying or adopting any one of you. ...Levi."

"She fucking forced me to marry her, we've been over this!" I snapped. "And none of these brats are my children or responsibility!"

"Wait, does this mean I have a dad again?" Eren's eyes went wide.

"No, you dense piece of shit." I rolled my eyes. "Literally everyone here has no family."

"Well, now you do!" Hanji still had her stupid smile despite how uneasy everyone was getting. "What activity should we do first?"

"We can always make brownies. With toxins." Annie grinned.

"What's your fascination with poisoning delicious chocolatey treats?" Eren said. "Murderous piece of shit."

"The past is the past, dickhead." Annie rolled her pale blue eyes.

"Hey Annie. One word." I said, looking her in the eye. "Petra." She stuck out her tongue.

"We can read books." Armin said.

"I can't read." Eren said.

"Illiterate brat."

 

Somehow that scene escalated to a scene in which Hanji was belting out 'Let it Go' and I was sitting in my kitchen attempting to drink myself to death. "Aaaagh..." I moaned, putting my head down in my arms on the cold table, trying to block out Hanji's squeaky voice. Annie had taken it upon herself to make her own brownies. Yes, with toxins. Armin was reading in the corner, and Erwin was sitting in the corner making sure no one died. 

"You okay in here, sir?" Eren asked.

"I'm fine, Eren. You don't have to call me 'sir' anymore. I resigned from the military, remember?" I said. "You want a drink?"

"I'm...underage." Eren blushed.

"Fuck the laws, we went through war." I said. "Plus, it drowns out Hanji." Eren chuckled as I poured him a glass of white wine. 

"I'm sorry this is happening to you, Levi." Eren traced the rim of his glass with his finger, smiling softly and resting his head on his hand. "She's a psycho."

"Got that right." I rolled my eyes, taking another drink.

"I mean, you don't deserve this." Eren looked up. 

"No shit, brat." I sighed. "You know, you're one dense piece of shit, but you're tolerable. I like you."

"U-Umm...sir, are you- are you feeling okay?" Eren asked. "I mean, you- you don't really like anything."

"I like things." I said, allowing myself a small smile. 

"Like what?" Eren sipped his wine. I could tell that it was a bit bitter for him. 

"Well, I like quiet." I looked up. "I like cleaning. I like coffee. I like being next to someone without having to speak."

"Let me guess- you like long walks on the beach, too." Eren laughed. I rolled my eyes.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, brat." I said. "Oh- I like sleeping. I like wine. I like autumn. I like it when there aren't any Titans. As much as she annoys me, I like Hanji. I like eyebrows. I like that bookworm and the blondie. I MIGHT be able to like your sister. And...you." I looked Eren right in the face. "I like you."

"Levi, you're obviously drunk." Eren blushed and looked away.

"You wanna run a test on me? I'm not intoxicated." I said.

"Walk a straight like while reciting the alphabet backwards." Eren said. 

I walked like I was on a tightrope, straight and stiff as a board, my head held high. "Z, y, x, w, v-"

"Okay, okay." Eren said. 

"Eren." I said, lifting his face up to face me. "I like you."

"Why all of a sudden?" Eren asked. "You never liked me before."

"Maybe not." I said. "But I like you now." I moved my hand to caress his cheek. Eren closed his eyes and slightly parted his lips. I took the invitation and kissed him, soft and sweet. And he kissed back.

"Hey Lev- ohhhhhhh." Hanji's voice. I stopped kissing and looked up. Hanji was standing in the doorway, her face pale. "You're cheating on me."

"We're not married."

"That's your son."

"He's not my son."

"Mikasa's gonna kill you."

"Don't care."

"Wait, Levi." Eren said. "I'd watch out."  
"I heard my name." Mikasa walked in. I quickly brought my lips to Eren's and kissed him again. Mikasa gasped dramatically. I flipped her off. 

"Hey, what's going- WHAT." Armin. "Eren? Corporal? Mikasa? THAT'S IT, I'M DRUNK."

"You're underage!" Erwin shouted from the other room.

Needless to say, that scene ended pretty quickly when Mikasa and I had a knife fight and i had to give her a new scar right on her pretty little face. I still haven't managed to divorce Hanji, but at least she's told me she wants a separation. Now at least she'll leave me alone. Eren was pretty surprised that I won a fight with Mikasa, and a little mad at me for scarring her face, but he forgave me pretty quickly. And we started going out.

In conclusion, there's no real moral to this story, I mean, Hanji was just doing her Hanji thing and torturing us all. I guess...don't trust anything Annie bakes? Maybe don't let yourself get drunk around Hanji and accidentally get married? Probably don't confess your love for some brat with the consequence of his sister killing you. Oh- be on your guard for Mikasa. That's the moral. Yup, the moral of this story is Mikasas a bitch. #mikasathebitch2015.

 

K thnx bai

**Author's Note:**

> Eheheh I didn't really know how to end it...
> 
> #mikasathebitch2015
> 
> GET DAT SHIT TRENDING YO


End file.
